Purple Rain

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to see you one time laughing
I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain.
                                                            --PRINCE

Cari's world has been turned upside down, stepped on, smothered in the mud, twisted with a quick ankle turn, stomped with the heel and then kicked to the curb. Or so she thinks. And we are feeling it.  Ever since Chad arrived into this world, she feels as if she has lost control of everything.  At least, that's what I think she would tell me if her little two year old mind could explain things.  When I ask her why she has such a nasty attitude at times, she promptly sticks her hand up at me with her two little fingers out and says, "I'm TWO Mommy!" and so right she is. 

And while she is two, and dealing with being two, she is also dealing with some very large changes in her life.  She has become part of a "group" in her preschool class, and is no longer the only one to grab attention.  They do things differently there.  Most things are more fun, such has playtime outside twice a day.  And tons and tons of new toys to climb on, thumb, stack, knock over.  Many new books to read and someone new to spur her mind into fantasy land as she sits on the little dot on the carpet dreaming of pulling dump trucks out of the mud with George.  There are new foods to taste, and little miniature chairs and tables just her size. Even a little potty and a sink, just her size.  The first morning into the class, she pushed me out the door on the backs of my legs out of excitement to be there. Ms. H said it was time to wash hands before they ate breakfast and Cari watched intently and excitedly as everyone lined up for the sink. Any place that lets you wash your hands immediately upon arrival must be fantastic.  Shen then sat down with three new friends to indulge in smiley face waffles.  I calmly walked out, knowing that at the end of the day, she may be exhausted but she would have had a wonderful, wonderful time.

Wrong. I think she did have a good time. But Cari is not one to like rules. Or following them. Or remembering them.  And preschool has many rules.  Things are different there than they are at home.  We arrived home and she cried and cried and cried.  I repeatedly asked her to use her words, and knowing she was tired from not napping and using up all of her energy running around and talking and singing all day, I decided to give her a moment to herself to just let her cry it all out.  When I picked her up, she was sobbing so hard that her little shoulders were shaking. She put her fingers up to her face, clasping her little red soaked cheeks in her hands, and through sobs and sighs and attempts to catch her breath, she said to me, "Ms. Kisha dumped my food!!!!!!" I knew right then what was going on.  Cari can entertain a gnat stuck in glue.  She would rather entertain than eat.  It's not that she doesn't like food and it's not that she doesn't want to eat. She would just rather entertain.  At home, there is rarely a strict schedule to stick to.  She eats as we remind her to stop singing and take a bite, repeatedly.  At school, there is a schedule. And if she chooses to entertain the other three children at her table instead of eating, she will not have a chance to eat. 

When the words first came out of her mouth, I choked back tears. I got my Mommy gut all gussied up and ready to fight. That's what Mommies do. But as I held her limp little body and listened to her sighs next to my ear, I knew these hard times would be good for her.  She needs to learn that not every moment of the day is for her to entertain.  And life moves on around her.  The other twelve children in the room cannot put their lives on hold until she has sung the alphabet song seventeen times and finally wants to eat. 

Mommyhood is a strange paradox.  Even though you know these trials are good for your children, it still pains you to see them endure these times.  I know this is good for her. I know that she has fun. She tells me every day that she enjoys it. I walk out on the playground to pick her up and have to entice her home with the words of "Daddy is at home waiting for you." She finally stands up from digging in the sand, wraps her little hand around my finger, looks up at me and says "I have fun, Mommy!"

Sometimes, fun hurts I guess.  Sometimes the things that are best for you don't always feel good. But for some reason you keep going back for more.  Each morning, Cari still is excited to go to school.  She runs into the room, gives Ms. H a big hug and sits down for breakfast.  Things are just different than they were a year ago. 

In an effort to teach her a little bit about the way things change and how good things can come out of change, we engaged in a little art project this morning.  The girl thrives on purple.  Purple plate, purple bowl, purple cup, purple dress, purple beads, purple markers, purple fruit snacks. So, what makes purple? A little bit of red, and a little bit of blue, and a whole lot of change.

(I also copied this art idea from a friend - thanks Kristen, she loved it!)

Getting ready. My, she has grown since she last wore this smock!

(Just under a year old and so tiny!)

A little bit of red...

A little bit of blue....

And a whole lot of smearing. Smear, smear, smear.

Mommy got involved too. Pretty flowers.

And you know what? I think the exercise helped.  At lunch, she asked to sit "next" to Chad. While her chair is next to his, she is not normally within reaching distance.  She suddenly wanted to be right next to him. She tried to feed him, she tried to take his food, she tried to share her juice, she loved on him.

And Chad loved it. He adores her. One day she will realize it. It may just take a little more time.

I think this morning was very therapeutic for both of us. I know the weeks to come will get better and easier, especially as she learns to take naps at school. Running on exhaustion isn't easy. And she never stops running.